What is micro-cheating?
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A 101 on the tech-inspired millennial dating term that has caught the attention of relationship experts and couples therapists alike
If emotional cheating is the little sister of physical cheating, there’s a newfound distant cousin that’s now part of the family. “Micro-cheating” is now a part of the dating trends lexicon that the technology-driven era of modern dating has bestowed upon us. Though most relationship experts agree that the term is subjective to individual relationships, the common consensus is that the tendency is characterised by the mundane, day-to-day actions that play with the boundary between friendliness and infidelity.
Relationship expert and author of Love, Lust and Lemons, Shahzeen Shivdasani defines the phenomenon as “an inappropriate flirtation outside your bond that can make someone feel that you are available and lead them on.” Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Dr Shwetambara Sabharwal adds, “It [micro-cheating] has led to mixed reactions—some people think it’s minor and for others it’s equal to cheating—as is with watching porn. It’s very subjective and thus hard to research and get consistent data on.”
Whether you’re in the midst of navigating a modern-day relationship and are concerned about being a culprit or victim of micro-cheating or are keen to be in on the dating zeitgeist, here’s your lowdown on the surging trend.
What qualifies as micro-cheating?
As stated, there’s no hard-and-fast rule for what makes the cut for micro-cheating—it may be as harmless as heart-reacting to a friend’s photo on social media or as ‘macro’ as swiping on dating apps for fun, depending on you and your SO’s mutual tolerance. The gamut is vast, owing to increasingly complex millennial relationships and blurred lines of intimacy. However, there are some common signals that can indicate that your relationship is venturing into rocky territory. “Secretly talking to your ex, dressing differently when you are going to see the said person that you are micro-cheating with, lying about who you are hanging out with, making your relationship come off as less serious so you can continue talking to the person of interest and regularly commenting/liking their pictures on social media,” are few of the red flags to watch out for, according to Shivdasani. It all boils down to whether or not your partner would feel comfortable if they knew of your actions and vice versa.
Why do people micro-cheat?
Sabharwal’s observation has shown her that the usual reasons for such behaviour include impulsivity, poor self-esteem, high need for approval or affiliation, lack of self-regulation of mood and behaviour, and perhaps the most predictable cause—boredom.
Couple these psychological factors with the digital dating climate, replete with options, and it’s no surprise that this relationship trend is on the rise. "The way people are defining relationships now, they've become so fragmented and digitised that people are in this habit of looking for the next thing," says Dan Auerbach, an Australia-based psychotherapist and relationship counsellor. In other words, sometimes people micro-cheat just to explore what’s out there—driven by the curiosity of the unknown, rather than the desire for someone else.
Signs you should watch out for
Though whether a person is micro-cheating or not depends on their intention and not their behaviour, Shivdasani and Sabharwal list some familiar actions and attitudes to watch out for if you’re worried about being a victim. If your partner is being overly protective about their gadget, being defensive when you mention the name of the person you doubt them with, secretly spending time on dating apps, altering their energy when this person is around, constantly talking about their ex-partner, or barely inviting you to events—you might have something to be concerned about.
So you’re a victim or a culprit of micro-cheating. What should you do?
It’s important to recognise that the tendency to flirt or to feel jealous and possessive is natural human behaviour, so being on either side of the micro-cheating table doesn’t equate to your relationship being doomed. That’s not to say the issue should be ignored, should you come across the afore-mentioned signs. Shivdasani and Sabarwal recommend the usual suspects of relationship therapy—honesty and communication. “Tell them why you have been distracted, what is making you feel this way and what your needs are. Most people get stuck in a rut and hence they look for satisfaction through other connections. The only way you can move forward from this and fix your bond is pure honesty and an understanding of each other’s expectations. And, although honesty is a difficult pill to swallow, it’s the only way you can have a solid foundation and be satisfied in return,” says Shivdasani.
This article originally appeared on Vogue.in
